Praising Kids (2)

Like all good southerners, I memorized the fruits of the spirit (Galations 5:22-23) via a silly song at summer camp. (And before I get too far into this: Please don’t click away if you aren’t religious.  I promise these are words that define good character regardless of who or whether you worship.)

“The fruit of the spirit’s not a waaaaaaaaatermelon (said while doing a squat – or a grand plie if you want to feel dancy and fancy about it – and holding your arms out to demonstrate the wideness of a watermelon), the fruit of the spirit’s not a waaaaaaaatermelon, if you want to be a waaaaaaatermelon – you might as well hear it, you can’t be a fruit of the spirit cause the fruits are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control”

You then go on to impersonate a banana, a kiwi, etc. etc.

Hi. Can you tell I was also a camp counselor? Dorky songs ARE MY JAM.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking about the Spirit and Fruit lately because my friend Becky over at the OKC moms blog wrote an awesome post on self esteem, body image, & what we should be showing our children.

“I compliment her daily, but instead of using words like “cute” and “adorable”, I’m making an effort to use words like kind and gentle.”

Just – yes.  So much yes.  My daughter is 16 months old and I am already finding myself stuck in a rut of saying, “good job!” and “that’s so sweet”.  I was a journalism major. I SHOULD BE BETTER AT VOCABULARY.

But truly, I want to be more intentional in my praise for my daughter’s behavior.  I want to build up her character and self esteem by cheering on specific things about her that I find beautiful.  She shows me each of these fruits, in her own way, every day.

love

Love – She shows this when she squeezes my neck when I pick her up from daycare.  And when she blows kisses to her grandparents.  And when she waves to perfect strangers everywhere we go.

Joy – She exudes joy in the way that only a child can.  We went to a new park to play after school recently and her eyes lit up when she saw it.  It was a precious moment of pure joy and I’m so glad to have experienced that with her.

Peace – I see this in her when I check on her at night.  She sleeps the peaceful slumber of someone who knows her needs are taken care of.  I pray I see this in her as she grows, that she isn’t one who is worried about too much – that she finds Peace in all things.

Patience – I don’t think anyone in the history of ever has described a toddler as patient.  HOWEVER. Toddler patience does exist when you adjust how you define patience. She is patient when she doesn’t fuss as I put her in her carseat, she is patient while she waits for me to pour her milk, she is patient as she waits for me to fix her dinner.

Kindness – I see this when I spy on her in her classroom and she is playing nicely with her friends.  And when we play at home and she eagerly hands me a teacup for a tea party.  She has such a kind soul – and I want her to know that.

Goodness – Goodness seems so broad, doesn’t it?  I’m trying to think of it in terms of active goodness.  As in, making the right choices when you really want to do something else.  I see this in G when we correct her behavior, I know she desperately wants to bang her hammer against the wall, but she doesn’t because she has been asked not to.  That is goodness.

Faithfulness – I think it takes having a child to fully understand what “faith of a child” means.  She is faithful to her daddy and I every day.  She has faith in us that we will feed her and clothe her and love her.  She does not waver in this.  I so hope that she remains steadfast in her faith in us and in the Lord.  I hope also that she has faith in her friends, and teachers, and other family members.  Because this faith holds people to a high standard.

Gentleness – This word and “toddler” don’t exactly go hand in hand.  Most of what she does is, um, with GUSTO.  However, I can, and will, celebrate her and praise her gentleness when she hands me her cup when its empty instead of throwing it. Or when she (finally) lets go of my hair when I’ve asked her to.

Self-Control – Ah, self control.  Isn’t this the biggest thing we are trying to teach our toddlers?  When it’s okay to throw something (ball at basketball hoop) and when it’s not (wooden mallet at my head).  We work on this daily but right now her biggest act of self control is walking us straight out of school every day.  I know she’s curious about the other hallways there but she knows where we are to go, and it is just the one way out the door.

What words do you use to praise your children? Do you get stuck in “praise ruts” too?

 

 

 

Psst – Today is the last day to enter to win 5 boxes of KIND bars & tickets to a special event at the Zoo!  Read full details here or just upload a pic of something KIND and tag it with #okmommakind and #kindawesome.  

We had ourselves a lovely (albeit rainy & dreary) little weekend.

Saturday, my mother-in-law came in town.  Let me be clear: G is one LOVED little girl.  She suffers from “first grandchild on both sides” syndrome which basically means she is the most spoiled 16 month old you know.  She is also learning the fine art of hamming it up for grandparents.  She happily shows them all her tricks  and when they are around she will not tolerate anyone else holding her.

Smart girl, my child. Smart. Girl.

When my mother-in-law was on the way over she said to my husband “I can’t wait to see G…and you and Kelly, too”.  And we just laughed.  Because there was hail and all kinds of crazy springtime in Oklahoma weather on the forecast that day and I’m pretty certain she would not have made the trip had it not been for a certain little hula girl.

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Yes. This is what she wore around the house Saturday morning.  I fully endorse dress up clothes and I’m a total enabler.  I secretly hope she is a kid that wants to wear nothing but princess dresses one day. I love her silly self.

Anyway, we went out to lunch then shopping (for G, duh) then out to dinner and here is what I need to know:

How do you keep a toddler seated in his or her highchair at a restaurant?

My child wants basically no part of that anymore.  Sitting when the food is there – no big deal. Sitting any other time? Not gonna happen. To include laps.  She needs to ROAM.  I have no photo evidence of this because I have been very busy being “that mom” trying to wrangle my kid and keep her from tripping servers or interrupting the meal of others or destroying the restaurant in a way that I have not even thought of yet.

After typing that I think I have answered my own question question: no more restaurants for us.

I’m just not ready to accept that.

Because I’ve already been forced to accept one hard truth: getting a picture with my wiggly, on-the-go girl is basically impossible.

Case in point:

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“Happy Mother’s Day Mom I love you and everything but I’d really just like to get away from you now k thanks.”

Tornado of joy, that little girl.  She has also taken to letting us know that she is in DIRE NEED of something with a screech that would make a Hyena say “Keep it down over there!”

Now don’t you wish you could go out to eat with us?

 

for my momma

Don’t I look just like Duchess Kate holding Princess Charlotte in this pic?

​I’m no Biblical scholar, but there is one verse I really love.  I love the idea that two people, deeply intertwined with one another would make the other better. I love that these two people are compared to iron – they are strong. Tough as nails, even. They do not change easily.  This takes work.  This takes love.

iron

Sharpening iron. It’s what we do with our kitchen knives.  Sharpening them, bringing back their luster and shine, removing flaws and polishing away blemishes. Making them better than what they were.

There was a time in my life that I thought this verse just had to do with friendships – the refining and molding that comes from people challenging and encouraging you.

Then there was a time when I thought this verse was meant for marriage.  Because oh, marriage will expose your weaknesses and a loving marriage will refine you in so many ways.

But now? Now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this Proverb was meant for Mommas and Daughters.

Isn’t it so obvious? I see it when I look at my mother and I. But it took having a daughter of my own to make that view clear to me.

​Clack.

​I am six and the report card says I spend too much time talking to my friends and not enough time listening.  She gently reminds me the importance of respecting my teacher and begins in that moment to teach me how to balance life.  That there is a time to work hard and pay attention, and a time to be silly, and a time to listen.  There is time for all of these things – and she has taught me how to discern these moments. She is making me thoughtful.

​Clack.

​I am twelve and I. Need. That. Thing. at Limited Too.  It is too expensive (or was it too hideous?)  She lovingly resists my pleas and saves me not only from a (probable) fashion disaster but from a mentality that material things are what matters. She shows me in these moments that my stuff does not define me – all the while teaching me the hard to swallow lesson that I won’t always get what I want, when I want it.  She is keeping me grounded.

Clack.

I am nineteen and sick, so sick, in my dorm room at college.  She hears the weakness in my voice and makes the four hour drive to take me to the doctor where I am put on IV fluids as a result of a terrible virus.  She shows me in these moments what it is to love selflessly. She has taught me what it takes to be a momma. She has shown me unconditional love.

Swoosh.

She is moments old and I ask if she is okay.  Her heart rate was dropping. The cord was around her neck.  I still haven’t seen her but all I need in that moment is for her to keep crying. To assure my worried ears that her lungs are working.  I am a new person in this moment, unconcerned about the doctors stitching me back together or the bright lights of the operating room glaring down on us.  She is making me selfless.

Swoosh.

She is six months old and will not sleep without me near.  I have to get up early for work the next day but I grab a blanket and a pillow and lay down on the floor next to her crib so I can easily reach up and rub her hurting tummy when she begins to stir. I will be tired the next day. My body will ache. But this moment is all that matters. She is teaching me patience and endurance.  She is making me strong.

Swoosh.

She is sixteen months old and everything is a discovery.  We celebrate it all – correctly identifying her nose, successfully transporting yogurt on a spoon from the bowl to her mouth, saying the word, “shoosh” (shoes) and pointing to her feet.  She runs to me with joy and I know what is is to be needed.  She forces me to slow down, soak up small moments, and to see the world through her eyes. She has shown me unconditional love.

Clack, swoosh, clack, swoosh.  Sharpen & shine, sharpen & shine.  Mothers refining daughters who in turn refine their mothers.

And with it all: Unconditional Love.